The Twentysecond Post : Could Scotland Be A "NEW" New Zealand.

During a rain break in the Scotland v New Zealand “A” game recently the upcoming referendum on Scottish Independence had me thinking .... “ If independence is gained, could Scotland become a “NEW” New Zealand ?”

There are already many similarities the two countries share. Both have a history of English/British rule. Both countries share a similar look, lush green land due to high rainfalls and glorious countryside in their highlands and mountains (when irn bru needed to film a summer commercial in the depth of the scottish winter they searched the world for a place that most resembled Scotland in summertime ... and found it in New Zealand.) Both share a similar population figure (New Zealand around the 4 million mark with Scotland around 5 million).

Both countries are cold in the winter.

Some of the statements from friends over the last year regarding voting yes have been “How much worse could it be?” or “We couldn't make as big a shambles of running our own country as the English.” and even “ What's the worst that could happen?”

 

Things could easily get a lot worse than they are under a united Britain. It doesn't seem unreasonable to imagine that within a short space of time and following a few bad political decisions (or some good decision with unforeseen bad outcome) combined with a world credit crunch or a natural disaster, Scotland could find itself a failing economy forcing many of its inhabitants into poverty and economic shackles. The resulting brain drain as those who are able to escape with their career to a more economic rewarding country doesn't seem like that far fetched of a scenario leaving scotland a third world country economically and also intellectually.

As for not making a bigger shambles under our own watch, you only need to point out the spiraling cost and mis management of the scottish parliament during construction and the Edinburgh trams debacle could be two arguments against self rule.

 

More worringly is the answer to whats the worst that could happen ....something like this seems a little far fetched, so lets leave the doomsday scenarios aside for now. They already exist in the deep dark recesses of every thinking Scottish persons mind as it is.

 

Instead lets turn attention to a question of equal importance but is often overlooked in what may well turn out to be a vote of “FEAR” vs “HOPE” this referendum may well actually be.

 

“Whats the best that could happen if Scotland gains independence?”

Clearly, the best that could happen is that all people living in Scotland instantly become billionaires get to live in mansions with free heating and a non stop supply of whatever makes you happy.

But for a realistic view of what's the best that could happen if Scotland gained independance I would prefer to think that scotland could become a “NEW” New Zealand.

Before you scoff too loudly here are a few things that makes being a “NEW” New Zealand something to be hopeful of.

For all the jokes about New Zealand it has been one of the most progressive nations, dating back to before it was even a nation.

New Zealand was once governed as a part of the territory of New South Wales (later a part of Australia). When Australia federated in 1901, New Zealand was offered a place as one of their states. New Zealand refused and is its own country with no ties to Australia (other than trade and commonwealth). A forward thinking new zealand must have asked itself some question like Scotland is asking itself right now and drawn a proficitic conclusion.

An early choice to go it alone without the support or involvement of a bigger (both economically and population) neighbouring country could be something Scotland could look to for inspiration for a similar sized nation who may well be trying to go it alone sometime soon.

But even before the Kiwis refused Australias invitation to join in a union/assimilate N.Z.were a progressive nation.

 

In 1893 New Zealand became the first self-governing country in the world in which all women had the right to vote in parliamentary elections.

Compare that to Britain - 1918 and even then only to “women over the age of 30 who were householders, the wives of householders, occupiers of property with an annual rent of £5, and graduates of British universities.”

or Australia - 1902  ... unless you were black. The right to vote in federal elections was denied to Aboriginal women who, together with Australian Aboriginal men, had been specifically excluded from the franchise in Australia by the Commonwealth Franchise Act 1902. (Indigenous people in Australia had to wait until 1962 before the vote was afforded to them.)

Perhaps this progressive attitude of treating all people as equal despite their sex  is the reason why New Zealand is the only country in the world where all the highest positions have been simultaneously held by women: In 2006, the Queen, the Governor-General, the Prime Minister, the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the Chief Justice were all women. A case of early forward thinking paying off there.

But even more recently N.Z. have been at the forefront of environmental issues. During my youth whenever there was a story of environmental awareness or protest it was always the Kiwis leading the charge. While the bombing of the greenpeace sea vessel “Rainbow Warrior” (most famous for agitating and getting in the way of french nuclear testing in the south pacific in the 1980s) was not a direct attack on New Zealand itself, the outrage of the new zealand people was reflected by the parliament and  New Zealand was forced out of the ANZUS (Australia, New Zealand, United States) alliance when it outlawed nuclear arms and power. To this day, there are no nuclear power stations in New Zealand, and a change of law would be required before one could be built.

With the pro independence Scottish National Party wanting nothing to do with anything nuclear, which the governing British government seems determined to push onto the whole U.K. (in the form of power stations/ trident submarines/ who knows what else), the hopes of emulating New Zealand are something to aspire to.

Even more recently New Zealand continue to push ahead with progressive attitudes and issues of inclusiveness and equality setting the trend for many others to follow.

In april 2013, New Zealand became the first country in the Asia-Pacific region to legalise gay marriage and the 13th in the world.

(Australia - not yet.)

Here Scotland is not far behind the ball. Scotland legalise gay marriage in February 2014 and received Royal Assent on 12 March 2014 around the same time as their counterparts in England/Wales - July 2013 and came into force on 13 March 2014, (even though everyone is a long way behind The Netherlands who were first in the world to treat all love as equal - 1st jan 2000)

However, Scotland have consistently been ahead of their English counterparts on many issues in recent years including the smoking ban indoors (introduced a full year before England adopted a watered down version) Scotland introduced a ban on fox hunting two years before England (Banned in Scotland in 2002. England and Wales  2004.)

Scotland is also more progressive and ecologically minded than its southern neighbours and wants to have 100% of its energy provided by renewable sources (wind power, wave power, hydro electricity) by the year 2020.

With a more center left outlook politically than gets represented in the Westminster government this trend of being more progressive looks set to continue for some time.

Perhaps Scotland could follow N.Z. progressive example and make sign language one of its official languages and aim to make it the official world language allowing every member of the planet to communicate with each other no matter what tongue they speak with ( New Zealand has three official languages: English, Māori and Sign Language, Scotland could have English, Gaelic and Sign Language.) or even race them to become the worlds first non smoking country.

 

Perhaps being the best country in the world is beyond Scotland (in the immediate future anyway) NZ was voted the world’s best country in 2007 and 2008 by Wanderlust magazine, but perhaps Scotland could, and should, aim to be the least corrupt nation in the world (N.Z. is tied with Denmark for this honour, according to the Corruptions Perception Index) while also ranking first on Forbs list of the ‘Best Countries for Business’, ("up from No. 2 last year, thanks to a transparent and stable business climate that encourages entrepreneurship. [New Zealand is the smallest economy in the top 10 at $162 billion, but it ranks first in four of the 11 metrics examined, including personal freedom and investor protection, as well as a lack of red tape and corruption"]).

 

And if Scotland manages to maintain as good a sense of humour as N.Z. has while doing all this (The logo for the Royal New Zealand Air Force is a kiwi- a flightless bird ...) it will indeed be a country to be proud of.

Mind you, the scots may have beaten the kiwis to a punchline on one occasion ... the official animal of Scotland is ... the unicorn !!!

And when all that is done, perhaps, one day, Scotland will be able to play cricket as well as new zealand does ...

New Zealand A visited Scottish shores in August to supplement Scotland’s meager international summer schedule and to give experience to many of its fringe players. With World Cup places up for grabs it was a near full strength New Zealand side that flew into town for three one day games (the only players guaranteed places on the team sheet missing were Brendon McCullum and Ross Taylor).

While New Zealand languish near the bottom/mid of the world cricket rankings they are often an underrated team, especially in the one day format.

Nether the less Scotland would have had high hopes of competing with them and perhaps pulling of a victory in the three match series. And if Scotland had not been missing up to eight of their front line players for the series through county commitments or injury (including captain Kyle Coetzer and vice captain Preston Mommsen) perhaps things would have been different than the two match drubbing they received with the 3rd match abandoned due to persistent rain.

Mind you, for the first half of the first innings in the first game Scotland looked to have a grip on the game and an upset looked like a possibility with the kiwis on 5/139 in the 30th over. But the experience of the New Zealanders shone through the gloomy Ayr skies and  they refused to panic after the early inroads Scotland had made before launching into attack mode for the remain 20 overs of the match. They plundered over 200 runs of the remaining 20 overs for the loss of only 1 additional wicket to finish on 347/6 and remove any confidence the Scots had of competing in this game after all.

Centuries to Grant Elliot and B.J. Walting only tell a fraction of the story as Scotlands bowlers had nowhere to hide with only Majid Haq avoiding being carted all over the field.

In return Scotland looked like they were going to attempt to aggressively chase down the mammoth total but early wickets saw things fall apart at the seams and Scotland were bungled all out for a poultry 148, giving N.Z.”A” victory by 199 runs inside 33 overs.

Things didn't fair much better for the Scots in the 2nd match after New Zealand won the toss and chose to bat. They started out scoring quickly, continued scoring quickly and finished scoring quickly too. Centuries from Bracewell, Elliot (again) and 98 from Rutherford set up a huge platform and although the Scots took 4 wickets in the closing overs the damage was already done and the kiwis had pummelled 369/6 out of the hapless bowlers.

Scotland batted better this time round and a composed 82 from Hamish Gardiner the highlight of their innings. A supportive 50 from Berrington kept hopes alive of Scotland getting close to the target but the Kiwi bowlers took regular wickets to keep any run chase in check. By the time Haq made a quality 54 the pressure was off and Scotland’s innings was wrapped up with 2.1 overs to spare and 97 runs short.

A rain interrupted third match was shortened to 29 overs per side. Having won the toss and choosing to bat New Zealand set about wasting no time in racking up another massive total. Scoring at more than 10 an over there was nowhere for the Scottish bowlers to hide and when another massive 6 brought rain down with it the game was abandoned. 45 minutes of play, 8.1 overs, 91 runs and another lesson in world class batting.

The rain had washed away any chance of a result in this last match but New Zealand had washed away any hopes that Scotland may have harboured of showing the world they can be the plucky upstart of world cricket, underdogs that can play better than the rest of the world expects and gives them credit for, especially from a nation with a small population.

A team that plays better than the sum of its parts.

 

A nation that will always rise to the challenge, never give up and always go down fighting, with pride. A nation of good conscious. Innovative and unafraid to push boundaries where others fail to tread. With an unrivalled sense of fair play, compassion and acceptance for all. To push for doing the right thing simply because its the right thing to do. A nation unafraid to stand up for itself and actually be its own nation in a world full of larger, more powerful nations.

New Zealand has been giving these lessons to the world for a long time already and now they have shown them to Scotland too.

One thing that has become clear during this cricket tour is that Scotland still have some way to go before they can be regarded as a new New Zealand... on the cricket field at least.

 

Who knows what the 19th of September will deliver to Scotland but hopes of emulating New Zealand on the world stage as an independent nation should be a challenge to rise to.

Assuming the referendum vote goes that way.

But considering that New Zealand has more Scottish pipe bands per capita than any other country in the world, perhaps its worth taking some time to think  very, very, carefully about becoming a “new“ New Zealand.

The Twentyfirst Post : What Would Moe Berg Say. Part Four.

It's been a while since I last blogged (a bit longer than I wanted or expected, but what can you do ... sometimes life gets in the way of plans working out, eh?) but just in case you have forgotten, around this time last year I was out in Canada enjoying a holiday with my family and attempting to gain an interview with my guitar hero Mr. Moe Berg from the amazing and awesome Canadian power pop band “The Pursuit of Happiness”.

 

I had sent off previous letters (check back over previous blogs here, here, and here for further details) and remained hopeful, but not overly optimistic, of gaining any kind of reply.

Imagine my delight when I see an email like this one pop into my inbox...

 

It was a little bit like this ...

I hesitated opening the email, savouring the feeling of having all the positive possibilities in the universe available to me before I opened it to find the one and only eventuality presented to me in all its crushing reality. Because, let’s face it, I’d done well to get this far. An actual response was what I set out as my most likely highlight from this whole prospect. The fact that the most likely response would be some sort of “Thanks, but no thanks” or “ I'd really like to meet but am just far too busy to schedule anything, have a great summer.” would be awesome enough but crushing to the slim hopes of a yes response.

While the email remained unopened all possibilities were possible.

This must be how Schrödinger felt before he opened his box to find his cat dead in it.

An atom of radioactive may have killed the cat but I was curious to find out what Moe Berg had said, so I opened the email and found out that sometimes cats survive, and that sometimes dreams also survive outside the box.

The email read:

 Hi Adam,

I'd be fine to sit down with you for an hour or so. I'm usually good in the afternoons and next week would be best. Let me know when you might be in Toronto proper and we can figure something out.

moe
 

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Is that the sound of all the best things in the world falling into place ... or is it the sound of my beating heart?

I fired off an email thanking him for his time and arranging where and when to meet. After a couple of false starts we settled on a time and place early in the coming week.  

HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!! (Settle down Adamski. Keep it together. Don't blow your cool.)

The night before we were due to meet I spent a restless night worrying that I would muck this up and make a fool out of myself by being too fanboy or just not knowledgeable enough.

Restlessness let me to checking my emails at 2am, just to kill some time, to see an email recently arrived from Moe regrettable cancelling our meeting tomorrow. Can’t be helped, can't be changed.

(Sigh.)

I knew it was too good to be true.

He did propose meeting later in the week, same time same place, and asked if that would be ok with me.

I sent a reply back straight away saying that I understand that some things can't be helped and I’d be happy to fit into his schedule.  

Then I shut down the computer, turned off the light and held out little hope that Thursday would lead to meeting with a legend either.

Disappointment replaced excitement, and sleep came easy.

But I did continue to wonder what he would say.

 

Don’t know who Moe Berg is ... then check out this song from his band’s “The Pursuit of Happiness” fourth album (Where's the Bone) because, lets face it, "little things are so important, but big things don't matter much."

 

 

The Twentieth Post : Scotland v. The Netherlands, Game Three, Match Report.

With the three match series tied after two games today’s decider was set up to be a thriller. Unfortunately the Scottish weather had other ideas and cheated everyone out of what could have been a very intense and hard fought final by turning on some constant drizzle.

Regular pitch inspections by the umpires returned information that the Titwood ground’s outfield was draining well and that 'if only it would stop raining long enough to get the covers off we could get a game started'. Alas, that was never to be as the rain continued without let up and the game was abandoned at 2pm without a ball being bowled.

One convincing win for the Dutch, one convincing win to the Scots and one convincing washout to the weather. The very definition of a tied series in Scotland!

With no play available thought turned to what we have learnt during a series that started in blazing sunshine and ended in dreich drizzle (Besides that the Scottish weather is changeable).

We learnt that both teams have an abundance of class players, from Rippon holding the tail together to post a defendable total and Hamish Gardiner’s maiden half century in the first game to Macleods superb 145 and Ashan Malik’s fantastic 6/50 in the second. We learnt that both nations have captains of hardnosed steely determination and that they can both muster their players with ease. We saw that both teams have an ability to collapse and also to tough it out/bounce back when things get sticky.

The collapsing is an issue that both countries will have to address but with both nations having newly appointed coaches the erratic form could be explained by teething problems as new philosophies and ways of working are bedded in. Consistent high performances will be one of the main things both coaches will be striving to achieve with their respective teams especially considering how few games there are before both of their next big tournaments.

Scotland have a tour from the visiting New Zealand ‘A’ side in August to test the expanding player base they are developing and also three One Day Internationals against Ireland in Dublin in September to settle on a team to take to the World Cup early next year.

The Netherlands have no fixtures planned before their long route back to One Day Status begins with the World Cricket League Division Two in the first quarter of 2015.

If the future resembles the past, finishing in the top two of division two will secure the Dutch a place in the World Cricket league Championship where the top six (pending a World Cup Qualifier) should get O.D.I. status. As with all things I.C.C. related this is liable to change without notice and the recent restructuring via the ‘Big Three’ have added even more uncertainty.

Both coaches are happy with the development of their teams with Scottish coach Grant Bradburn saying that all members who earn their place through consistent performances are rewarded with a place in the team and cites examples like Gavin Main turning out solid performances for Durham and Michael Leask good efforts in the North Sea Pro Series.  

The North Sea Pro Series is something Dutch coach, Anton Roux, sees as invaluable for developing character in the new talent too and is confident that the exciting young player base it produces as something the Dutch will continue to use for blooding new talent and grow their player pool for the challenges ahead.

So, things this series has taught us ... the Scots and the Dutch are both highly competitive teams with an abundance of new talent coming through and are capable of turning on fantastic and crushing  performances on any given day but remain inconsistent at the moment but are determined to use every available experience to improve themselves.

And no matter what, the weather always wins.

You can see the published version on CricketEurope ... HERE.

The Nineteenth Post : Scotland v. The Netherlands, Game Two, Match Report.

What a difference a day makes in Scotland. Yesterdays blazing sunshine and humbling defeat at the hands of the Dutch was replaced by a more typical example of Scottish weather (grey, cold and breezy from the start and only getting colder with the threat of rain ever present) and a better example of Scottish cricket ability.

If the weather conditions of yesterday had of been present today many people would have fancied The Netherlands chasing down Scotland's large total of 317.

The thought of rain due to arrive, and the need be above the par score when it did, lent a certain amount of panic to the dutch innings which was not helped when the first of the rain showers blew drizzle across the ground in the 5th over of their innings. They then lost their first wicket to the first ball of debutant Gavin Main, Myburgh caught behind for 27 off 15.

By the time the drizzle stopped in the 10th over two more wickets had fallen, Mohammad Wasim, (the former Pakistan international making his debut for The Netherlands after recently attaining citizenship), out L.B.W. to leask on a pitch that may have been spiced up by the rain for 6, and an embarrassing run out where both batsmen were at the strikers end asking the umpire who was out (Barresi judged out for a duck).

It all could have been over much sooner than it was for the Dutch if Wardlaw hadn’t dropped a dolly at mid wicket and Main had been able to claim the two catches taken off the no balls he bowled.

As it was the end came soon enough with a steady tumble of wickets putting them out of contention in this game before heavy and persistent rain forced them from the field with the score on 7/115 in the 23rd over.

The Dutch were in no position to attempt to challenge the Scottish total of 317 even if rain had allowed more play but at 5:30 the game was called off with no further play permissible giving Scotland the win by 144 runs.

Scotland's large total came courtesy of a superb innings from Callum Macleod. After losing the toss and been sent in to bat by the Dutch, openers Coetzer and MacLeod set about making amends for yesterdays mauling by building a solid platform  in much the same way as they had yesterday. After setting a good tone Coetzer was out in the 7th over, flashing hard at at a shorter one from Malik to be caught by a good tumbling catch by Szawarczynski at third man for 22.

MacLeod set his mind to guiding the innings by batting through to end with a stylish 145 off 124 balls. He was bowled by Malik in the penultimate over chasing more quick runs to add to the total. By the time MacLeod was out Scotland had amassed 309 of their eventual 317 and MacLeod’s job was done.

It wasn't all plain sailing for the Scots as twice the crafty Dutch bowling made inroads into their batting. When Coetzer was out in the 6th over Gardiner was out soon afterwards with an edge to keeper. The reliable Mommsen joined forces with MacLeod to steady the ship and form the biggest partnership of the game adding 92 for the third wicket before he too fell to the bowling of Malik.

Later in the innings Davie and Leask were both out an over apart to leave Scotland on 6/223 in the 38th over leaving MacLead with the tail. Memories of yesterdays collapse must have been close to the surface but, today, under grey skies the tail rose to the challenge and added 86 off the final 10 overs (despite being bowled out in the last over) to finish on 317 all out.

Ashan Malik finished with the best figures for the dutch claiming regular wickets to finish with 6 for 50 of his 10 overs but despite his heroics with the ball could do little to stop the Scottish charge.

The three game series now stands at one victory each with the decider to be played on Friday.

You can read the published version on CricketEurope ... HERE.

The Eighteenth Post : Scotland v. The Netherlands, Game One, Match Report.

On the Hottest day of the Scottish summer so for this year the Netherlands flew in and rained on Scotland's parade pulling off a convincing 44 run victory.

It shouldn't have been that way of course. Scotland have recently emerged from an extended rebuilding period and proved they were a team on the rise by winning the world cup qualifier to book their place in Australia and New Zealand world cup 2015. Winning all but one game in that tournament saw them emerge victors with a new sense of confidence and purpose.

The Dutch, meanwhile, had a disaster of a tournament that ended with them failing to qualify for the world cup, knocked out early, and worst of all, losing their One Day Status. The dark days ahead briefly brightened by success in the world T-20 a few months later.

But that was a different game, a different day. This was Scotland's chance to show the home fans their resurgence and shine.

It all started so well with the opening partnership of Coetzer and MacLeod solidly chasing the Netherlands adequate, but by no means insurmountable, total of 252 for 9.

Scotland's opening partnership earnt 38 before captain Coetzer was out playing at one away from his body and finding the edge to be brilliantly caught behind in a one handed diving catch.

Hamish Gardiner was next in and he and  MacLeod set about continuing the good start but it was the partnership between Gardiner and Mommsen that looked to put Scotland on easy street. Their flawless partnership earnt 78 before both were out in quick succession (Gardiner for 52 off 64, Mommsen for 45 off 59) and Scotland had to rebuild.

It was a process that faltered quicker than it started with the middle order failing to come to grips with a Dutch attack that captain Borren kept shuffling around expertly.

From 157/2 to all out for 208 the Scottish middle order and tail had no answer to the persistent and niggly Dutch bowlers who never gave up the task of closing out the game.

They eventually did so with six overs to spare with Bukhari 3 for 29 (9 overs) and Van Meekeren 3 for 40 (10 overs) crushed any Scots hopes of a Bannockburn style victory with ease.

It all looked so different earlier in the day as the Scots made inroads into the Dutch batting order at regular intervals. only opener Swart passed 50 (ending with 62 from off 84 balls) and his partnership with of 74 with number 3, Szwarczynski, was the pick of an innings where partnerships where hard to find.

Evans broke down with back problems after only 5.1 overs but the rest of the bowlers rallied round to keep the Dutch from ever really racing away.

Davie and Leask ended with 2 wickets apiece but Leask leaked runs (55 of 9 overs) while the pick of the bowlers was Sharif who looked the most likely to take wickets at any time while also conceded few runs and ended with 1 for 33 from his 10 overs. unfortunately no Scottish bowler managed to give the Dutch the killer blow and despite having them down to 165 for 7 in the 40th over allowed the tail to crawl along, guided by Rippon's 49 not out, to add nearly 75 runs to finish on a fighting 252 for 9. Scotland still failing to bowl them out.

It was a lesson in durability and determination that the Scots should have A. stamped out and B. learnt a lesson from.

The 44 run defeat shows they did neither.

Tomorrow's forecast is for more clear skies, but which team will the sun shine on?

you can see the published version ... HERE.

The Seventeenth Post : Best Man Speech (with additional notes)

Recently I was lucky enough to be asked to be the best man at my best friends (Male:Edinburgh based:over 40) wedding.

It was a big deal for me as its one of those things that should be on every guys list of things to do during a lifetime but I honestly thought that it wasn't going to happen for me. I noticed a wee while ago that most best men come from the same family, brothers or cousins usually, or from lifelong friends. Friends from childhood or school/uni or have known each other for decades and have been through and shared loads of those formative experiences together.

And I don't have that. Coming from a family that is notoriously bad at keeping in touch with each other has seen some tangled family ties loosen and erode over the half a lifetime since I moved half a world away from them and from any of the places where I grew up and went to school.

Added to the mild form of disconnect I feel to almost everything in the world, and the chances that anyone could see through the fog of distractions I distort into a barrier, it would be slim chance that anyone would have the patience to hang around long enough in my social circle for me to realise that we were friends, actually friends, and even slimmer chance to be good enough friends to even consider me as a best man type of friend.

I thought I’d have to add ‘Being a Best man’ to the list of things that just aren't gonna work out.

And then there was Ross.

Poor, foolish Ross. Ross who likes me. Ross who thinks I’m cool.  Ross who thinks we’re friends. Ross who asked me to be his best man.

I blushed when he asked me to be his best man, not because I was embarrassed, but because I was flattered in the extreme and honoured beyond belief. I spluttered and stuttered for a while before I, of course, said yes. But as we shook hands on it I held on looked him dead in the eye and told him that I will agree to be his best man until he picks someone else to do it. Someone better qualified. Someone who knows him better. Someone he likes better.

He said that there was no one else he wanted to ask and that I would be great at it. And he trusted me not to embarrass him too much. He said he thought i was cool.

Poor, foolish, deluded Ross !!!

I went on to tell him that it can't be a reciprocal deal as I’m already married, have no intention of not being married anytime soon, and on the unlikely event that I would ever find myself being married ever again I have already promised the best man duties away to someone else.

He was fine with this too claiming that he had already been best man twice before and had no intention of ever doing it ever again.

I went on to warn him that I would be doing my favourite wedding joke of all time ... I told him the joke ... he groaned, shoulders slumped, and turned away shaking his head.

Let’s skip forward some time and a lot of faffing around and Ross and his lovely fiancé, Joanne, elope to Chicago to get married leaving everyone waiting for them at a reception which has now become an informal wedding party with a ceilidh band and D.J. planned.

A subtle enquiry from me regarding if anyone is still getting to do a speech gets a nervous reply of ‘There will be a microphone available on the night if anyone wants to make a speech.’ followed by a frowning face.

He’s beginning to realise his error.

I smile and deadpan ‘Good.’

Ross turns away. Brow furrowed. He has realised his error.

Below is the speech as written in the weeks before the wedding party. Once it was done and I read it through and out loud a couple of times I realised it was a little bit long. Actual running time was 26 min. Probably a bit too long and I sent out an enquiry to my facebook friends asking how long a speech should be. ‘A lot fucking shorter’ was the general response received. I sent out copies to people I trusted the opinions of and asked their advice and the replies all said that it was good. Just what was needed. But still I worried about the length of it. A couple of late night revisions trimmed it down to 25 min running time ... I’d put loads of effort into it, and I didn't want it to be a waste ... plus I liked it !!!

Fuck it. I’m doing it. The whole thing. Too bad if nobody likes it.

Some last minute confidence denting by my own good lady wife about the running time threw me off balance (“Google says that the running time for a best man speech should be no more than 7 minutes. Any more than that and you will lose the audience...  its not too late to back out you know.... I just don't want you to suck at it !!!”)  But I was ready and determined to do my best man speech.

Then I remembered the best pieces of advice I’d been given about it from my good friend Chris Rutherford (to whom, in the rare event that I should ever be married again, has already been lined up to be my best man.) He said “ I'd try and stay aware of the mood in the room. Don't be afraid to jettison material if you are winning. 10-15 sounds better. Nothing worse than a speech on an empty pint...“

There were three steps up to the stage and as I climbed them I thought to myself ... Write a long speech. If it’s going badly, dump stuff and get to the end. If it’s going well, dump stuff and get to the end.

Play it by ear.

And that’s what I did.

A note on coloured fonts.

Black = was written in the speech and delivered on the night.

Pink = cut before I took the stage

Blue = dumped it while I was on the stage.

Speech,

Well, let me start with a few housekeeping issues.

Firstly there are a few stag dou t-shirts left over from the big man’s big night and they are going at the heavily reduced price of only £5.

Bargain. White lettering on black t-shirt (I ad libbed ... “with the lettering “I’M NOT” on the front, which makes total sense when you're standing next to the stag coz his t-shirt said “IM ROSS AND IM GETTING MARRIED”. So, as you can tell it was a pretty crap joke that was only funny on one night of the world, and that’s already in the past !!!”) ... with all the important dates on the back ... just like a tour dates t-shirt. with the stag dou on 30th march, which just so happens to be mother’s day this year (and the start of British summer time), wedding on 18th of April, which just happens to be good Friday, and the wedding party on today the 4th of may, which just so happens to be star wars day ... so what we have here is a pattern of a guy who is so mental that important dates mean nothing to him.... OR ... a guy who is so smart that he picked dates that mean he will never forget them in the future !!!

There is one fatal flaw in his genius plan though and that is, he’s never remembered mother’s day in his life, so that that fucked, despite looking like a short bald ginger version of Chewbacca he's never mentioned anything about star wars to me ever, so that’s that fucked, and Easter changes its position in the calendar every year ... the next time good Friday will be on the 18th of April again will be in the year 2025 ... so , in short mate, your genius plan is fucked right up the shitter!!!

Nice try though. But as every married guy knows the only true way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it ... once!!! You’ll always remember it after that.

Anyway, back to the t-shirts ... only a fiver ... Good quality as I’ve put mine through the wash once and it just about came out with the print intact!!!

There have been a few enquiries on the sweepstakes/odd running in the book.

And yes it’s true, there is a book running on the marriage and the bookmaker asked me to give a quick reminder on the odds for those of you who don't already know...

We have ‘Happily ever after’ as the rank outsider at 1000/1

‘till death do us part’ 900/1

Meanwhile ‘murdered/suicide’ odds have been slashed, much more likely at 100/1

‘Golden wedding’ - some romantics in the crowd have foolishly picked this one to come in but perhaps they didn't realise that the golden wedding celebrates 50 years of marriage. 50 years people ... Ross will be 97 by that time.... assuming he's not buried by then that is. Mind you generous odds of 50/1 have suckered in a few of you novice punters so, that’s more fuel for the bookies retirement fund. Jamaica here I come ... hehehehe ...

Incidentally, did you know the name for the anniversary for being married 90 years is ‘stone’ and the traditional gift for your stone wedding anniversary is engraved marble or granite.

So, assuming that Ross lives to be 137 and is still married to the lovely Joanne, the traditional gift she will be giving him is a tombstone !!! So at least there's that to look forward to eh buddy!!!

Meanwhile, back to the odds ...

Ruby - 40/1

Silver - 25/1

10 years time - 20/1

Some people have complained that the odds haven't improved much between 10 years married and 25 years married and that’s because if you can stand something for 10 years you have probably grown numb to everything around you and see an additional 15 years of it as a blink of an eye.

As highlighted by the seemingly easier to reach years like

5 years - 100/1

2 years - 200/1

1 year - 10/1

Six months - 50/1 ... probably the tastiest of the odds.

Betting is suspended on ‘until the end of the best man speech’ - 2/1 ... could go either way that one, I’ve quite a lot to say and not all of it is good. !!!

And ‘Not even been married at all’ is even money and also the favourite at the moment, and coincidentally where my money is at too!!!

So if you fancy a flutter, seek out the bookie. And if you fancy a flirt check out the bridesmaids!!!

Before I start my speech properly I would like to say that I am quite nervous about public speaking. Please bear with me because it’s not something that comes naturally to me. In fact, this is the fifth time today I’ve risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper full of shit in my hand.

But let me just say that this is only the 4th wedding I’ve ever been to. The first was my own dads wedding to my step mother. Burrrrr. Cold day that was, the coldest on record in Australia, but I heard that hell was significantly colder!!!

I’m not saying that the place where I come from was a bit rural, a bit redneck but .... at some point before the wedding a groomsman went up to the bride's father and said,

"Sorry cobber, the wedding's off. some joker's upstairs rootin the bride and You've run out of beer".

A few minutes later he returns saying, "It's ok, blue, the wedding's back on. Someone's turned up with another keg of beer...”

When the bride’s father who it was that was rooting his daughter the groomsman replied that it was just  her cousin , which was perfectly fine in that part of Australia.

Just as an aside, I hedged my bets with the bookie that day and put a dollar on them lasting six months and another dollar on them lasting 7 years. In the end I came up short on both slips and even though they aren't together anymore, neither of them talk to me. But I don't talk about that very often.

The second was to a young Mormon couple I met when I first moved over to Edinburgh.

I didn't even know they were Mormons until I showed up at the wedding and found out that the bride wasn't pregnant, but her mother was.

Mind you, I shoulda known that he was a Mormon when I heard that, when checking into the hotel room on the stag night he asked the receptionist "I hope your porn is disabled."

To which the receptionist replied, "No. It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."!!!

When I was younger, I thought Mormons were lucky because of that multiple wife thing. I thought it must be great to have as many sexy wives as they wanted.
Then I got married, and after almost 20 years of marriage ... I just feel sorry for the cunts bastards.

Anyway, I somehow managed to fall out with him when I told him the old joke about marriage being a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. (You have that to look forward to Ross, and Joanne !!!)  But what really led to my falling out with the Mormons was when I asked if Mormon husbands can get wedding rings that say "One ring to rule them all"?

I don't know if they are still together, or if he has any more wives’, because neither of them talk to me anymore. And I don't talk about that very often.

No booze at a Mormon wedding. And no bookmaking either.  Those boring bastards !!!

Then there was Jane and hutch. There still together. 5 years now. Lost money on those fuckers bastards too!!!

Boring bastards. Plenty of booze at their wedding and they were still boring bastards.

They still talk to me, but I wish they didn't !!!

And of course there was my own wedding. Yep, I did attend my own wedding and so did one of the prettiest red heads I’ve ever had the good luck to bump into outside the registry office who was game for a laugh and had a spare afternoon and who couldn't believe that I wanted to stay in Scotland.
I joined the “Married a feisty red head” club 20 days before my work visa ran out and still going strong almost 20 years later, so I guess the answer to what makes a marriage last is fear that the authorities might knock on the door and deport me any day now ... mind you, sometimes I think about ringing immigration and reporting myself !!!

(So, if Scotland becomes an independent nation Joanne has this fear to look forward to!!!) I wonder if that will influence Ross’s vote  come September!!!

After almost 20 years of marriage neither of us speaks to each other either, but I don't talk about that very often.

One of the other things that helps make a marriage last a long time is gaining a better sense of when to duck!!! Guys who don't duck are dead ducks.

I lost money on that fucking my own wedding too!!! Mind you happily ever after hasn't run out yet so my betting slip for that one is still good!!!

The other thing that helps a marriage last a long time is some heavy duty crawling every now and then. Top tip !!!

But I jest, I’m joking ... and a husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. This is how we all know that Joanne has one of the best senses of humour around.

So the history of my wedding going experience is chequered to say the least, but the good news is that this is the first time that I’ve ever been the best man at a wedding, so that should fuck buck the trend !!! (buck... buck... what, I said ‘buck’ !!!)

But before I start the best man speech there are a few telegrams from people who couldn't be here tonight ...

The first telegram says “sorry we can't make it along today but we wish you all the best in your long and happy marriage together.”

From Bob Farken, Gail Farken,  Nanna farkin
And the whole Farken family!”

There is a telegram from the clinic. They say ... “it’s good news: you’re in the clear.” And that to Joanne.... so that is good news isn't it Ross!!!

There's another telegram from the clinic. They say ... “it’s NOT good news: and you need to go in and see them first thing on Monday.”
And that’s to Ross ... well that’s your evening fucked then isn't it !!! And yours too Joanne !!!

Moving on ... “Joanne, upon hearing of your wedding we cancelled your current order and have had to lay off five workers.

Congratulations anyway.
From Management and remaining staff, Energizer batteries.”

I’m sure Joanne will renew her subscription when the novelty wears off ... this time next week then !!!

Mind you, considering the previous telegram from the clinic perhaps you'd better get that supply of batteries on order again, eh?

I’d just like to read one from James, the landlord at The Blue Blazer, where Ross and Joanne like to go for a drink on the occasional night with a “y” in it:

Did you hear that in an effort to curb their drinking for a while Ross and Joanne made a rule that they could only go to the pub on days that had a “R” in them.... days like MondRay !!!

I actually remember in the early days of them dating, back when it was all based on alcohol, I said to Ross that you’d wanna be careful burning the wick at both ends. An old fella like yourself needs regular rest and you can't be showing up to work hung-over every day. But he reassured me that he’d been having less hangovers since he's started dating Joanne, probably based on the amount of sweaty exercise they were having together, late at night, if you know what I mean !!!

(A groan from the crowd caused me to add lib ... “hey, if I had to live with that mental image I don't see why you all shouldn't either !!!! )

... anyway ...

“Congratulations to you both. Sorry I can’t be there today but work’s work, and there’s a big crowd in for the football. Everyone sends their love, and the punters ask if you could send us a picture of the beaming bride and groom, mounted.” [pause, then look up] Surely just a peck on the cheek would do?’

“To Joanne,
I was devastated to hear you are now off the market, but all the best for your future.
George Clooney”

George is clearly someone who knows a good thing when he sees it. Mind you, I do wish he would just settle down and get married like the rest of us, the smug bastard!!! Missed your chance there jojo !!!

“To Ross,
I was devastated to hear you are now off the market, but all the best for your future.
George Michael”

ohm, George is clearly someone who can't tell an shit from sugar, which is why you should NEVER get him to make you a cup of tea !!! Clearly someone who can't tell his ass from an elbow ... which says a lot about his lifestyle I suppose.

Moving on, quickly.

“Marriage is like a beautiful tree - it starts off with a good root. From B & Q garden centres.”

“A honeymoon couple is like a kitchen table – Four bare legs and no draws. From D.M.F. kitchens.”

“Congratulations on your wedding. We hope that just because you are now married you won't stop coming to see us on a regular basis.
Love and best wishes from all the girls at After Eight club.'
... And that one was for Joanne ...

This one is for Ross though ...

“Why you no come back Bangkok?
Why you no send money no more?
The kids all miss you
love
Suki”

And lastly, the big gun ...

I knew this day was coming late last year so I had time to send out a few requests to really big name celebrities and thinkers and world leaders and I ran into a brick wall with most of them but there was one awesome guy who actually wrote something to pass onto the lucky couple and that guy was ...

Nelson Mandela- ... “I can see a bright future for you both! Or is it just the white light...?”

But enough of that. Now, on to the best man speech proper. But before I start, let me just say that...

When I asked about for advice on what a best man speech should be like people said ... “A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.” and keep it brief because , ‘Brevity is, indeed, the soul of wit. And I explain this in greater detail on page 72 of my speech.

And whatever you do, don't mention the stag dou...

“When I first heard Ross was getting married I was overjoyed, and really looking forward to our special day.  ... The stag do…” finally, I thought, I get to go on a proper bloody stag night. I missed my dad’s because I was nine, the boring bloody Mormon didn't even have one and I dint go to hutches because, we’re not friends !!!

And then he asked me to be the best man and I realized that I’d have to organize the bloody thing myself and that took some of the shine of it for everyone I think.

But I think I did a good job and even organized a stripper, which, I’ve been told I can’t mention, which is a shame because HE was really nice.

Well, the only rule I was aware of for a stag night was that there are no girls aloud, and  ... there weren't any ladies there were there ... ?!!!

Who knew that DIDN'T extended to the striper as well !!! Mind you, he had nice legs didn't he Ross? Looked good in that dress. Bit confusing wasn’t it Ross? Still I’m glad you managed to persuade Joanne to wear the same dress for her wedding outfit!!!

People said, mention the catering and be a little saucy ... but don't be sleazy. Something like...

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal -

- a little bit of breast

- a little bit of leg

.... and a lot of stuffing!

And I notice that Ross is feeding us a pig !!!  Don’t know what that says about what he thinks of his wife ... but ...  perhaps there’s going to be a little bit of spit roasting going on later !!! Let it be known that I will be happy to step in and rise to my best man duties !!! just sayin !!!

And what else has he fed us tonight ... salad ... I wonder if he’s going to get his salad tossed later tonight?!!!

 Onto the speech ...

So in time-honoured best man tradition, I will do my best to give Ross the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Joanne’s life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Ross.

Ross has been really worried about this speech. So worried, in fact, that he's been tearing his hair out.

I’ve enjoyed myself so much tonight that I hope I get invited to Ross’s next wedding too. But to be honest, it’s more likely to be Joanne’s next wedding as she will probably outlive the old bastard.

 But the speech, the speech... let’s start the speech...

Let me start by saying that it’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers !!!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great privilege to stand here before you as the best man on the special occasion of Ross and Joanne’s wedding party.

I can honestly say that there is no other couple I would rather have late night discussions about the meaning of life, the concerns of death, the mysteries of the universe and, well, just about everything. No one I’d rather walk across small countries with or subtly subvert the language to include more hitchhikers’ guide to the galaxy references. And no two people I’d rather welcome into the “Married to a feisty redhead club” than the two of these amazing and wonderful people.

I haven’t been close enough to know all the intimate details of their relationship, although I have heard few that would make a Mormon blush, but I have been privileged to be able to be there right from the start when it was just a few random drunken fumbles with the cute redhead from front of house, to something more substantial that resembled a relationship.

I’ve been able to watch it grow from the seed of ‘like’ to the full grown flower of ‘love’ that is in perennial bloom before us all today. Fed by a rainbow of sunshine and optimism and alcohol and nurtured in a bed of deep lust.

I’ve seen it develop from ‘it’s nothing really’ to being something really, even if a proper label couldn't be attached to it. From fun time friends to more than that. From not talking about her to never bloody shutting up about her. From not girlfriend to clearly girlfriend and from not living together to shacking up.

One of the times I remember vividly was one time Joanne’s lease on the place was living in was coming to an end and she was worried about where she was going to move to next. I said to her “why don't you move in with Ross? He will probably say yes. And you could probably pay him the rent in various ways ... if you know what I mean... !!! Like cheque or money order. Stamps are also legal tender”

To which she replied ... “It’s not that serious a relationship.”

I must admit that I was surprised at that statement because that’s not how it looked like it was heading to everyone else, and I wondered how to break the news to Ross.

I needn't have worried though as the very next day they announced that they were moving in together.

I’ve seen it grow from only asking to marry her when he was drunk and being rebutted to deliberately staying sober on New Years Eve and asking her to marry him with the fireworks as the backdrop, and being accepted.

From not being married to being married (probably - no proof yet !!!)

I have being privileged and lucky enough to watch all these stages grow, develop and come to pass and hopefully I will still be close enough friends with both of them when this best man speech is done to be able to continue to watch their relationship grow through many more stages including the ‘Moving into a bigger flat’ stage, the ‘Getting a cat’ stage, the ‘Growing old together’ stage.

I know that some less than good stages have already been passed like the ‘Hiding morning breath’ stage and the ‘Sucking in the gut when she’s around’ stage (that is long gone) but hopefully you will be able to avoid the tragic ‘Going to the toilet with the door open’ stage, on their way to the happily ever after via ‘Actual love based on mutual understanding and respect’.

I believe they are already there myself. And if you believe it to please stand up and raise your glasses as we sing a verse of “happy marriage to you” ....

 

I made everyone sing it to the tune of “happy birthday”

TWICE !!!!

I even add libed “Just the Mormons” on the second sing through !!!

Then my speech was over.

I’d done it, managed to get through it.

I think it was a success too, people liked it. They laughed at the funny bits and became involved with the sentimental bits too.

And with the ripping out of the three or four pages in the middle brought the running time down to about 15 min.

And I think that Ross and Joanne are still talking to me too.

 

WIN !!!

Looking back, I think I regret jettisoning the stuff after the Mandela joke. There was an opportunity to bring back the “Are there any ladies here “ joke from the stag dou (because there were ladies on the stag dou, and even though they all wore bright orange knitted beards to hide themselves, it was all a little bit “Monty Python” ) ... and I would have liked to have seen Ross’ reaction to the male stripper/wearing Joanne’s dress joke and Joanne’s reaction to the spit roast joke too, but ... probably better for not being said at all.

The only other regrets I have are not being a bit quicker on the add libbing. For example, during the early bit of the speech when I mention the wedding party is on Star Wars day a cheer went up from a surprisingly large amount of people in the crowd, Ross came up and whispered in my ear “Lot of nerds in tonight.”

I shoulda slagged him off for that at some later point during my speech.

Also, much later, when I said “... but hopefully you will be able to avoid the tragic ‘Going to the toilet with the door open’ stage” ... Ross whispered in my ear “Too late. That happened last night.”

Shoulda cashed out on that one too !!!

Oh well. Never mind.

I’m glad that I had the chance to be a best man and that it was for such a great guy as Ross. I’m also glad I can now cross “Be somebody's best man” off the list of things that a bloke should do in his life and am glad that it seems unbelievably unlikely that it will never happen again.

Mind you, I’ve had a pretty good practice at it now .... Imagine what the next one would be like !!!