Recently I was lucky enough to be asked
to be the best man at my best friends (Male:Edinburgh based:over 40) wedding.
It was a big deal for me as its one of
those things that should be on every guys list of things to do during a
lifetime but I honestly thought that it wasn't going to happen for me. I
noticed a wee while ago that most best men come from the same family, brothers
or cousins usually, or from lifelong friends. Friends from childhood or
school/uni or have known each other for decades and have been through and
shared loads of those formative experiences together.
And I don't have that. Coming from a
family that is notoriously bad at keeping in touch with each other has seen
some tangled family ties loosen and erode over the half a lifetime since I
moved half a world away from them and from any of the places where I grew up
and went to school.
Added to the mild form of disconnect I
feel to almost everything in the world, and the chances that anyone could see
through the fog of distractions I distort into a barrier, it would be slim
chance that anyone would have the patience to hang around long enough in my
social circle for me to realise that we were friends, actually friends, and
even slimmer chance to be good enough friends to even consider me as a best man
type of friend.
I thought I’d have to add ‘Being a Best
man’ to the list of things that just aren't gonna work out.
And then there was Ross.
Poor, foolish Ross. Ross who likes me. Ross
who thinks I’m cool. Ross who thinks we’re friends. Ross who asked me to
be his best man.
I blushed when he asked me to be his
best man, not because I was embarrassed, but because I was flattered in the
extreme and honoured beyond belief. I spluttered and stuttered for a while
before I, of course, said yes. But as we shook hands on it I held on looked him
dead in the eye and told him that I will agree to be his best man until he picks
someone else to do it. Someone better qualified. Someone who knows him better. Someone
he likes better.
He said that there was no one else he
wanted to ask and that I would be great at it. And he trusted me not to
embarrass him too much. He said he thought i was cool.
Poor, foolish, deluded Ross !!!I went on to tell him that it can't be a reciprocal deal as I’m already married, have no intention of not being married anytime soon, and on the unlikely event that I would ever find myself being married ever again I have already promised the best man duties away to someone else.
He was fine with this too claiming that
he had already been best man twice before and had no intention of ever doing it
ever again.
I went on to warn him that I would be
doing my favourite wedding joke of all time ... I told him the joke ... he
groaned, shoulders slumped, and turned away shaking his head.
Let’s skip forward some time and a lot
of faffing around and Ross and his lovely fiancé, Joanne, elope to Chicago to
get married leaving everyone waiting for them at a reception which has now
become an informal wedding party with a ceilidh band and D.J. planned.
A subtle enquiry from me regarding if
anyone is still getting to do a speech gets a nervous reply of ‘There will be a
microphone available on the night if anyone wants to make a speech.’ followed
by a frowning face.
He’s beginning to realise his error.
I smile and deadpan ‘Good.’
Ross turns away. Brow furrowed. He has
realised his error.
Below is the speech as written in the
weeks before the wedding party. Once it was done and I read it through and out
loud a couple of times I realised it was a little bit long. Actual running time
was 26 min. Probably a bit too long and I sent out an enquiry to my facebook
friends asking how long a speech should be. ‘A lot fucking shorter’ was the
general response received. I sent out copies to people I trusted the opinions
of and asked their advice and the replies all said that it was good. Just what
was needed. But still I worried about the length of it. A couple of late night
revisions trimmed it down to 25 min running time ... I’d put loads of effort
into it, and I didn't want it to be a waste ... plus I liked it !!!
Fuck it. I’m doing it. The whole thing.
Too bad if nobody likes it.
Some last minute confidence denting by
my own good lady wife about the running time threw me off balance (“Google says
that the running time for a best man speech should be no more than 7 minutes. Any
more than that and you will lose the audience... its not too late to back
out you know.... I just don't want you to suck at it !!!”) But I was
ready and determined to do my best man speech.
Then I remembered the best pieces of
advice I’d been given about it from my good friend Chris Rutherford (to whom,
in the rare event that I should ever be married again, has already been lined
up to be my best man.) He said “ I'd try and stay aware of the mood in
the room. Don't be afraid to jettison material if you are winning. 10-15 sounds
better. Nothing worse than a speech on an empty pint...“
There were three steps up to the stage
and as I climbed them I thought to myself ... Write a long speech. If it’s
going badly, dump stuff and get to the end. If it’s going well, dump stuff and
get to the end.
Play it by ear.And that’s what I did.
A note on coloured fonts.
Black = was written in the speech and
delivered on the night.
Pink = cut before I took the stage
Blue = dumped it while I was on the
stage.
Speech,
Well, let me start with a few
housekeeping issues.
Firstly there are a few stag dou
t-shirts left over from the big man’s big night and they are going at the
heavily reduced price of only £5.
Bargain. White lettering on black t-shirt
(I ad libbed ... “with the lettering “I’M NOT” on the front, which makes total
sense when you're standing next to the stag coz his t-shirt said “IM ROSS AND
IM GETTING MARRIED”. So, as you can tell it was a pretty crap joke that was
only funny on one night of the world, and that’s already in the past !!!”)
... with all the important dates on the back ... just like a tour dates
t-shirt. with the stag dou on 30th march, which just so happens to be mother’s
day this year (and the start of British summer time), wedding on 18th of April,
which just happens to be good Friday, and the wedding party on today the 4th of
may, which just so happens to be star wars day ... so what we have here is a
pattern of a guy who is so mental that important dates mean nothing to him....
OR ... a guy who is so smart that he picked dates that mean he will never
forget them in the future !!!
There is one fatal flaw in his genius
plan though and that is, he’s never remembered mother’s day in his life, so that that fucked, despite looking
like a short bald ginger version of Chewbacca he's never mentioned anything
about star wars to me ever, so that’s that fucked, and Easter changes
its position in the calendar every year ... the next time good Friday will be
on the 18th of April again will be in the year 2025 ... so , in short mate,
your genius plan is fucked right up the shitter!!!
Nice try though. But as every married
guy knows the only true way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget
it ... once!!! You’ll always remember it after that.
Anyway, back to the t-shirts ... only a
fiver ... Good quality as I’ve put mine through the wash once and it just about
came out with the print intact!!!
There have been a few enquiries on the
sweepstakes/odd running in the book.
And yes it’s true, there is a book
running on the marriage and the bookmaker asked me to give a quick reminder on
the odds for those of you who don't already know...
We have ‘Happily ever after’ as the
rank outsider at 1000/1
‘till death do us part’ 900/1
Meanwhile ‘murdered/suicide’ odds have
been slashed, much more likely at 100/1
‘Golden wedding’ - some romantics in
the crowd have foolishly picked this one to come in but perhaps they didn't
realise that the golden wedding celebrates 50 years of marriage. 50 years
people ... Ross will be 97 by that time.... assuming he's not buried by then
that is. Mind you generous odds of 50/1 have suckered in a few of you novice
punters so, that’s more fuel for the bookies retirement fund. Jamaica here I
come ... hehehehe ...
Incidentally, did you know the name for
the anniversary for being married 90 years is ‘stone’ and the traditional gift
for your stone wedding anniversary is engraved marble or granite.
So, assuming that Ross lives to be 137
and is still married to the lovely Joanne, the traditional gift she will be
giving him is a tombstone !!! So at least there's that to look forward to eh
buddy!!!
5 years - 100/1
2 years - 200/1
1 year - 10/1
Six months - 50/1 ... probably the
tastiest of the odds.
Betting is suspended on ‘until the end
of the best man speech’ - 2/1 ... could go either way that one, I’ve quite a
lot to say and not all of it is good. !!!
And ‘Not even been married at all’ is
even money and also the favourite at the moment, and coincidentally where my
money is at too!!!
So if you fancy a flutter, seek out the
bookie. And if you fancy a flirt check out the bridesmaids!!!
Before I start my speech properly I
would like to say that I am quite nervous about public speaking. Please bear
with me because it’s not something that comes naturally to me. In fact, this is
the fifth time today I’ve risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper full of
shit in my hand.
But let me just say that this is only
the 4th wedding I’ve ever been to. The first was my own dads wedding to my step
mother. Burrrrr. Cold day that was, the coldest on record in Australia, but I
heard that hell was significantly colder!!!
I’m not saying that the place where I
come from was a bit rural, a bit redneck but .... at some point before the
wedding a groomsman went up to the bride's father and said,
"Sorry
cobber, the wedding's off. some
joker's upstairs rootin the bride and You've run out of beer".
A
few minutes later he returns saying, "It's ok, blue, the wedding's
back on. Someone's turned up with another keg of beer...”
When
the bride’s father who it was that was rooting his daughter the groomsman
replied that it was just her cousin , which was perfectly fine in that
part of Australia.
Just
as an aside, I hedged my bets with the bookie that day and put a dollar on them
lasting six months and another dollar on them lasting 7 years. In the end I
came up short on both slips and even though they aren't together anymore,
neither of them talk to me. But I don't talk about that very often.
The second was to a young Mormon couple
I met when I first moved over to Edinburgh.
I didn't even know they were Mormons
until I showed up at the wedding and found out that the bride wasn't pregnant,
but her mother was.
Mind you, I shoulda known that he was a
Mormon when I heard that, when checking into the hotel room on the stag night
he asked the
receptionist "I hope your porn is disabled."
To which the receptionist replied, "No. It's
just regular porn, you sick fuck."!!!
When I was younger, I thought Mormons
were lucky because of that multiple wife thing. I thought it must be great to
have as many sexy wives as they wanted.Then I got married, and after almost 20 years of marriage ... I just feel sorry for the
Anyway, I somehow managed to fall out with him when
I told him the old joke about marriage being a three ring circus: engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering. (You have that to look forward to Ross, and
Joanne !!!) But what really led to my falling out with the Mormons was
when I asked if Mormon husbands can get wedding rings that say "One ring
to rule them all"?
I don't know if they are still together, or if he
has any more wives’, because neither of them talk to me anymore. And I don't
talk about that very often.No booze at a Mormon wedding. And no bookmaking either. Those boring bastards !!!
Then there was Jane and hutch. There
still together. 5 years now. Lost money on those fuckers bastards too!!!
Boring bastards. Plenty of booze at
their wedding and they were still boring bastards.
They still talk to me, but I wish
they didn't !!!
And of course there was my own
wedding. I joined the “Married a feisty red head” club 20 days before my work visa ran out and still going strong almost 20 years later, so I guess the answer to what makes a marriage last is fear that the authorities might knock on the door and deport me any day now ... mind you, sometimes I think about ringing immigration and reporting myself !!!
(So, if Scotland becomes an independent nation
Joanne has this fear to look forward to!!!) I wonder if that will influence Ross’s
vote come September!!!
After almost 20 years of marriage neither of us
speaks to each other either, but I don't talk about that very often.
One of the other things that helps make a marriage
last a long time is gaining a better sense of when to duck!!! Guys who don't
duck are dead ducks.
I lost money on
The other thing that helps a marriage last a long
time is some heavy duty crawling every now and then. Top tip !!!
But I jest, I’m joking ... and a husband is living
proof that a wife can take a joke. This is how we all know that Joanne has one
of the best senses of humour around.
So the history of my wedding going experience is
chequered to say the least, but the good news is that this is the first time that I’ve ever been the best man at a wedding, so that
should fuck buck the trend !!! (buck...
buck... what, I said ‘buck’ !!!)
But before I start the best man speech
there are a few telegrams from people who couldn't be here tonight ...
The first telegram says “sorry we can't
make it along today but we wish you all the best in your long and happy
marriage together.”
From Bob Farken, Gail Farken,
Nanna farkinAnd the whole Farken family!”
There is a telegram from the clinic.
They say ... “it’s good news: you’re in the clear.” And that to Joanne.... so that is good
news isn't it Ross!!!
There's another telegram from the
clinic. They say ... “it’s NOT good news: and you need to go in and see them
first thing on Monday.”And that’s to Ross ... well that’s your evening fucked then isn't it !!! And yours too Joanne !!!
Moving
on ... “Joanne, upon hearing of your wedding we cancelled your current order
and have had to lay off five workers.
Congratulations
anyway.From Management and remaining staff, Energizer batteries.”
I’m sure Joanne will renew her
subscription when the novelty wears off ... this time next week then !!!
Mind you, considering the previous
telegram from the clinic perhaps you'd better get that supply of batteries on
order again, eh?
I’d just like to read one from
James, the landlord at The Blue Blazer, where Ross and Joanne like to go for a
drink on the occasional night with a “y” in it:
Did you hear that in an effort to
curb their drinking for a while Ross and Joanne made a rule that they could
only go to the pub on days that had a “R” in them.... days like MondRay !!!
I actually remember in the early
days of them dating, back when it was all based on alcohol, I said to Ross that
you’d wanna be careful burning the wick at both ends. An old fella like yourself
needs regular rest and you can't be showing up to work hung-over every day. But
he reassured me that he’d been having less hangovers since he's started dating
Joanne, probably based on the amount of sweaty exercise they were having
together, late at night, if you know what I mean !!!
(A groan from the crowd caused me to add lib ... “hey, if I had to live
with that mental image I don't see why you all shouldn't either !!!! )
... anyway
...
“Congratulations to you both.
Sorry I can’t be there today but work’s work, and there’s a big crowd in for
the football. Everyone sends their love, and the punters ask if you could send
us a picture of the beaming bride and groom, mounted.” [pause, then look up]
Surely just a peck on the cheek would do?’
George Clooney”
George is clearly someone who knows a
good thing when he sees it. Mind you, I do wish he would just settle down and
get married like the rest of us, the smug bastard!!! Missed your chance there
jojo !!!
“To Ross,I was devastated to hear you are now off the market, but all the best for your future.
George Michael”
ohm, George is clearly
someone who can't tell an shit from sugar, which is why you should NEVER get
him to make you a cup of tea !!! Clearly someone who can't tell his ass from an
elbow ... which says a lot about his lifestyle I suppose.
Moving on, quickly.
“Marriage is like a beautiful tree - it
starts off with a good root. From B & Q garden centres.”
“A honeymoon couple is like a kitchen
table – Four bare legs and no draws. From D.M.F. kitchens.”“Congratulations on your wedding. We hope that just because you are now married you won't stop coming to see us on a regular basis.
Love and best wishes
This one is for Ross though ...
“Why you no come back Bangkok?Why you no send money no more?
The kids all miss you
love
Suki”
And lastly, the big gun ...
I knew this day was coming late last
year so I had time to send out a few requests to really big name celebrities
and thinkers and world leaders and I ran into a brick wall with most of them
but there was one awesome guy who actually wrote something to pass onto the
lucky couple and that guy was ...
Nelson Mandela- ... “I can see a bright
future for you both! Or is it just the white light...?”
When I asked about for
advice on what a best man speech should be like people said ... “A best man's speech
should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to
cover the bare essentials.” and keep it brief because , ‘Brevity is, indeed,
the soul of wit. And I explain this in greater detail on page 72 of my speech.
And whatever you do, don't mention the
stag dou...
“When
I first heard Ross was getting married I was overjoyed, and really looking
forward to our special day. ... The stag do…” finally, I thought, I get
to go on a proper bloody stag night. I missed my dad’s because I was nine, the
boring bloody Mormon didn't even have one and I dint go to hutches because,
we’re not friends !!!
And
then he asked me to be the best man and I realized that I’d have to organize
the bloody thing myself and that took some of the shine of it for everyone I
think.
But
I think I did a good job and even organized a stripper, which, I’ve been told I
can’t mention, which is a shame because HE was really nice.
Well,
the only rule I was aware of for a stag night was that there are no girls
aloud, and ... there weren't any ladies there were there ... ?!!!
Who
knew that DIDN'T extended to the striper as well !!! Mind you, he had nice legs
didn't he Ross? Looked good in that dress. Bit confusing wasn’t it Ross? Still
I’m glad you managed to persuade Joanne to wear the same dress for her wedding
outfit!!!
People said, mention the catering and be
a little saucy ... but don't be sleazy. Something like...
The wedding night should be like a good
chicken meal -
- a little bit of breast
- a little bit of leg.... and a lot of stuffing!
And I notice that Ross is feeding us a
pig !!! Don’t know what that says about what he thinks of his wife ...
but ... perhaps there’s going to be a little bit of spit roasting going
on later !!! Let it be known that I will be happy to step in and rise to my
best man duties !!! just sayin !!!
And what else has he fed us
So
in time-honoured best man tradition, I will do my best to give Ross the most
uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable
five minutes of Joanne’s life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of
Ross.
Ross has
been really worried about this speech. So worried, in fact, that he's been
tearing his hair out.
I’ve
enjoyed myself so much tonight that I hope I get invited to Ross’s next wedding
too. But to be honest, it’s more likely to be Joanne’s next wedding as she will
probably outlive the old bastard.
Let me start by saying that it’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers !!!
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great privilege to stand here before you as the best man on the special occasion of Ross and Joanne’s wedding party.
I haven’t been close enough to know all
the intimate details of their relationship, although I have heard few that
would make a Mormon blush, but I have been privileged to be able to be there
right from the start when it was just a few random drunken fumbles with the
cute redhead from front of house, to something more substantial that resembled
a relationship.
I’ve been able to watch it grow from
the seed of ‘like’ to the full grown flower of ‘love’ that is in perennial
bloom before us all today. Fed by a rainbow of sunshine and optimism and
alcohol and nurtured in a bed of deep lust.
I’ve seen it develop from ‘it’s nothing
really’ to being something really, even if a proper label couldn't be attached
to it. From fun time friends to more than that. From not talking about her to
never bloody shutting up about her. From not girlfriend to clearly girlfriend
and from not living together to shacking up.
One of the times I remember vividly was
one time Joanne’s lease on the place was living in was coming to an end and she
was worried about where she was going to move to next. I said to her “why don't
you move in with Ross? He will probably say yes. And you could probably pay him
the rent in various ways ... if you know what I mean... !!! Like cheque or
money order. Stamps are also legal tender”
To which she replied ... “It’s not that
serious a relationship.”
I must admit that I was surprised at
that statement because that’s not how it looked like it was heading to everyone
else, and I wondered how to break the news to Ross.
I needn't have worried though as the
very next day they announced that they were moving in together.
I’ve
seen it grow from only asking to marry her when he was drunk and being rebutted
to deliberately staying sober on New Years Eve and asking her to marry him with
the fireworks as the backdrop, and being accepted.
From
not being married to being married (probably - no proof yet !!!)
I
have being privileged and lucky enough to watch all these stages grow, develop
and come to pass and hopefully I will still be close enough friends with both
of them when this best man speech is done to be able to continue to watch their
relationship grow through many more stages including the ‘Moving into a bigger
flat’ stage, the ‘Getting a cat’ stage, the ‘Growing old together’ stage.
I
know that some less than good stages have already been passed like the ‘Hiding morning
breath’ stage and the ‘Sucking in the gut when she’s around’ stage (that is
long gone) but hopefully you will be able to avoid the tragic ‘Going to the
toilet with the door open’ stage, on their way to the happily ever after via ‘Actual
love based on mutual understanding and respect’.
I
believe they are already there myself. And if you believe it to please stand up
and raise your glasses as we sing a verse of “happy marriage to you” ....
I
made everyone sing it to the tune of “happy birthday”
TWICE
!!!!
I
even add libed “Just the Mormons” on the second sing through !!!
Then
my speech was over.
I’d
done it, managed to get through it.
I
think it was a success too, people liked it. They laughed at the funny bits and
became involved with the sentimental bits too.
And
with the ripping out of the three or four pages in the middle brought the
running time down to about 15 min.
And
I think that Ross and Joanne are still talking to me too.
WIN
!!!
Looking
back, I think I regret jettisoning the stuff after the Mandela joke. There was
an opportunity to bring back the “Are there any ladies here “ joke from the
stag dou (because there were ladies on the stag dou, and even though they all
wore bright orange knitted beards to hide themselves, it was all a little bit “Monty
Python” ) ... and I would have liked to have seen Ross’ reaction to the male
stripper/wearing Joanne’s dress joke and Joanne’s reaction to the spit roast
joke too, but ... probably better for not being said at all.
The only
other regrets I have are not being a bit quicker on the add libbing. For example,
during the early bit of the speech when I mention the wedding party is on Star
Wars day a cheer went up from a surprisingly large amount of people in the
crowd, Ross came up and whispered in my ear “Lot of nerds in tonight.”
I shoulda
slagged him off for that at some later point during my speech.
Also, much
later, when I said “... but hopefully you will be able to avoid the tragic ‘Going
to the toilet with the door open’ stage”
... Ross whispered in my ear “Too late. That happened last night.”
Shoulda
cashed out on that one too !!!
Oh well. Never
mind.
I’m
glad that I had the chance to be a best man and that it was for such a great
guy as Ross. I’m also glad I can now cross “Be somebody's best man” off the
list of things that a bloke should do in his life and am glad that it seems unbelievably
unlikely that it will never happen again.
Mind
you, I’ve had a pretty good practice at it now .... Imagine what the next one
would be like !!!
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